we could have had it all...

I thought I'd share with you an epic song which i have had consistently on repeat for the last few days,
I guess I have been so overwhelmed in the last month or so, I started a new job,
yeah I know so what? well its not my first job or my last, its full time and I still work at my previous two jobs, but for me those are outlets, easier I guess, places where I regain my sanity a little,
this new job requires me to be physically and mentally there at all times, at highest intensity and if I am not then the people I am trying to help out will not benefit as much from it,
it has been a life changing experience, I don't think I have stopped for to breathe just yet because I wanted it so badly and still do, I just think iv hit a point where ill burn out, or maybe I already have,
my fire has been to help, and I swear even the slightest doubt is overcome by my desire to make someone else's life better,
and yet I cannot fathom how or where can you draw the line to stop and just think about yourself for a second?
what you want,
putting yourself first doesn't come naturally for all of us and I guess thats why some of the healthiest people I know are also the most selfish,
it's not a bad thing, but I think I have realised the sad part of it all that you really need to be selfish sometimes no matter how much you want to be a selfless person, and it's the only then can we have it all...

apologies

im sorry its been so long, thoughtless doesn't even begin to describe my mind, but heres a song to describe it all...
hope this has made it easier

xo
b

thank you

are you grateful to be a live each day?...

this question made me think twice.
i have been reading 'the power' lately by rhonda byrne (a must read for the thinkers out there)
my cousin bought it for me for christmas at a time where she thought i would really need it,
well let me say it has changed my life, it changes the way i think and even though i haven't finished it yet, the further and further i read into it things seem to make sense :)
page 117 of the book begins the chapter describing the keys to the power of 'the secret'
the one that really stepped out at me was 'gratitude' and i started to think whether or not i have shown enough of it in my life?
i myself have not know of gratitude so deep and constant, i mean when is the last time you thanked the world for presenting you with a beautiful day?
easy to forget and take for granted...

for the passed few days i have been trying as hard as i can to be thankful for what i have.
no matter what the situation, be grateful. it is so easy to say thank you, not only to the person who helped you out, or your mum for making a meal but being thankful for being alive, for the electricity that runs through your house and allows you to stream the music you love to listen to, the wonderful artists who created these songs, for being able to listen to these songs, for being able to dance and move around to music, and so the list is endless, yet we never truly stop to give thanks.
All it takes is some gratitude, gratitude doesn't cost us anything, it exerts minimal effort and yet it is the bridge to love.
Today and every other day I ask you to say thanks, even if it's for the weather, the traffic, a sale that saved you money on that gorgeous dress or for being alive.

xo
B


picture by bluetulip9:  http://media.photobucket.com/image/rainbow/bluetulip9/rainbowlifesavers.jpg?o=230

current song in my head

on constant repeat <3

what is this world coming to?

one of my friends statuses interested me today, she was commenting about how a guy had thrown a drink at her because she wouldn't hook up with him... she also politely mentioned to him that she has a boyfriend.
now what is so difficult to understand about that?
how could this message be somehow misinterpreted?
this brought me back to remember when i went out with my friends a couple months ago and one of my friends bumped into a guy she once went out with about two years ago. from what she told me she had told him she wasn't interested.
at the club he jumped at the opportunity to buy her a drink, - notice she didn't ask him for one, nor does she drink alcohol.
within a second he was back with a lemonade and ready to pick up from where they left off two years ago.!!??
my friend is nice and had a chat with him, the basics - what have you been up to? what are you doing now? - BASICS.
that was it, no flirting, no flame re-ignition, nothing.
and yet he felt he was in. in for a hook up. she was to be his exclusively for the night and he had locked her in with a drink...?
she had told him she wasn't interested, she even flirted with an acquaintance of his and yet this only fed his chase for the night.
i don't understand where guys get this from, i mean psychologically guys are meant to be 'sex driven', blah, blah i know that. but where did this aggression come from?
even i myself have had a taste of these aggressive guys, i will be out and some one wants to chat me up, i don't lead them on and yet when i walk away i hear words like 'slut and bitch' being thrown around behind my back.
how am i a slut if i walked away? i have a boyfriend i choose to be faithful to him.
how am i a bitch? because you can't take a little rejection little boy?...
well you poor thing, maybe thats why you give off so much anger, desperation and insecurity.
i put this down to boys trying to make up for what they don't have.
take note throwing around insults isn't the way to go about getting a girl.
since when was saying no, no thanks, not interested, i have a boyfriend, a green light?
now if i wanted to play aggressively then maybe a kick to the balls or a slap to the face will be a little more clearer...
but i'm not like that, and nor should any girl have to be in order to show she is not interested.
i am also not saying all guys are like this, its just a situation i know most girls are familiar with.
in the end there is no need for it. where has chivalry, courtship, being a gentleman or just being plain nice gone?
i'm sure it hasn't completely disappeared, it just would be nice to see it more often.
so boys and girls, be nice. there is no need for so much sexual aggression towards each other.
if you get rejected, take it on the chin and walk away.
if a girl or boy genuinely seems uninterested, don't feel the need to over pursue it, it doesn't necessarily mean they are playing hard to get.
most of us just want a fun night out, no bad sports please. just have some respect for not only yourself but those around you.

xo
b

Say what you mean, tell me I'm right...

i was anticipating a change to occur and it didn't happen so now i twist and turn every scenario around in my head just to work out where i went wrong, why it didn't go my way,

i am so overwhelmed by what i am thinking about that i fail to hear anything else going on around me, people around me begin to notice that i become more and more blank, expression less as i dig deeper and deeper,

but i am just trapped in my mind, trapped thinking, i'll be out soon, 

sorry; just give me a few minutes...

starting

I think I have just realised I don't want to do what I have been studying so hard to do for 4 years.
It's not like I just woke up this way, but I have always thought to myself this isn't what I want but with my family pressure and the feeling like I "have no choice" overcomes me.
I don't know why but I have always felt like I can't go back,  it's too late and what I want to do doesn't coincide with my 5 year plan.
I know, I know I sound crazy considering I am all for positivity, I guess I am just in this mood today, which I am going to force myself to snap out of before I go to training for my new job, doing what I studied to do.

8 hours later...

sorry for the delay, I had to go to training and you know what? I actually came out of there about 30min ago and I am so happy I went.
i also re-read the first part that I had written at 8:15am and thought I'd just leave it in...
I have realised my moods change as quickly as the weather here...
and the funny thing is some days I am so sure of myself and who I want to be and other days I could just cry all day about how lost I am in thought and what I want to do.

when I read the top half again I am realising that I have totally over analysed, over thought and used way too much energy thinking about things that are not even happening yet.

If anything I learnt today... it's O.K.

I am doing what I need to do right now.

I don't even know why, how or even when I got so lost in this crazy thinking, that "where do you see yourself in the next 10years?" kind of mind-set

like it matters?

I think sometimes our thoughts and feelings are sometimes so disjointed from reality...

Is it crazy that I need a constant reminder?

B

V-day...

I think this is the one day where we are so overwhelmed with materials, the cards the roses the companies cashing in on a hallmark date in the calender.
No I am not against Valentine's day but I think we have lost the actual reason of it, it is the day of love, that doesn't mean purely couples in relationships (as we are taught to think of it) it is the ability to give love to everyone on this day, a smile, a hug or maybe just going that extra mile to make someone happy. There shouldn't be just one day where this is ok, it should be everyday. Making an effort to make people feel happy can make you a happy person too. Love is the positive energy you can give off and if you give love then you will receive it too, whether it is from that same person or not you will receive what you give back.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, don' feel the need to blow out this day to be the creme de la creme, where you invest such a huge effort for the most perfect day. Don't. just take it easy, enjoy each others company  whoever it may be with, money and material items can't mend a crappy relationship or the fact that you just are not happy.
Be happy, make it your mission to put a smile on someones face, you never know you could have even made their day and isn't that the greatest reward?

Love,
B

its all just...

I will not let your issues consumer me, I will not let your opinion overwhelm me, I will not live in sadness like you do, my happiness is the only thing i live for...B

night time

im in that "feel like doing something reckless" mood, 

do you guys ever get like that?

i have been floating in and out of these for the past few weeks,

some days it will last only a few hours some a few days,

dont know why but the unknown suddenly makes me curious,

maybe its just a phase,

maybe tomorrow i'll be over it...

sadness...

sometimes so sad but,

the world keeps turning...

it was a warm pretty day...

I have no idea how why I have decided to start a blog but I have been thinking a lot lately...
Since the new year I have been trying to be a positive person, think positive, feel positive and attract positive things into your life you know the drill...
I mean really it sounds easy but god its been a challenge!! Good thing I love a challenge and even though little things in life get to you in such big ways the trick is to understand that its not what happens to you that matters its how you react to the situation and I feel I am getting the hang of it now.
It is a challenge trying to constantly wrestle with your thoughts when little things can be so frustrating for example one car ride can attract so much negativity, not only could you be cut of by another driver, some one runs a red in front of you and your tyre goes flat, the trick is to remain as calm as you can without getting frustrated or irritated? How? Well instead of yelling out "f*** I hate that blah blah blah" know that what has happened is out of your control and even though you may want to control every hot headed drivers cars you can't. We try to control too many things in life, this is coming from a confessed control freak who schedules almost everything into her diary, I even mentally schedule in things I need to do for the day. Gettign out of this habit is one thing but I swear it has been worth every second.
Start the day positive, stay positive and it will most likely end positive, attract what you want from life not what you don't want.
On another note,I had an amazing night last night.
It was one of those nights where everything goes right, my friend who hadn't been feeling well during the day called me up to tell me she was good to go out so I was super exited to hit the town :)
Not only was the weather beautiful (the kind where you can wear a cute dress and not freeze your kidney off), but we also got an amazing park right outside the club, I of course didn't realise this until we stepped out of the car and saw the place about 10steps away (such a great feeling when you know you have worn shoes way too high!!). Barely any line and we were in before we got to the point and danced the night away! Amazing what can I say??
Not sure if this will be read, don't mind, I loved doing it :)
xx